I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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