I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
