it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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