It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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