so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize