Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
