youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
