well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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