i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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