im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
