They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
