Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
