dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
