I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize