As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
