I murdered the dance floor call the cops
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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