she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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