I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
