There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Randomize
