I wish I could teleport
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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