I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
