he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
