she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
