Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
