She went from zero to smokin in five shots
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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