If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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