i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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