mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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