You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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