READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
