I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
