i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
that is very illegal...i love you.
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