I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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