how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize