...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
