my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
