I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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