She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
