His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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