I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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