Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
