$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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