It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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