They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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