I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
