so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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