Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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