I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dear god my vagina.
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