That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
