Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
