You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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