New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
