i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
