The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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