WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
