I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
