Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
